Cybernagging

NAG! NAG! NAG!

I am the victim of cybernagging. Surely a criminal offence? It’s daily and, quite frankly, getting on the one nerve I have left. Facebook nags me about exactly how many days, hours, minutes it’s been since I last posted. WordPress nags me about exactly how many people I haven’t reached this week, and exactly what percentage increase in unreached persons that is from previous weeks, because I haven’t updated my website. Cybernagging: exact, irrefutable, statistical proof that I have fallen down on the job.

So I looked for the Excuse Button. Because I have a constitutional right to defend myself, correct? The right to invoke the EB. The EB that would let me explain myself to you, my loyal followers. And to explain myself to the powers that be at Facebook and WordPress. The button that allows me, with no limit on the number of characters I can use, to request a recategorization from ‘delinquent’ to ‘busy’ in the data columns.

You know what? There isn’t one! No Excuse Button! But…but… how will they all know I’ve been busy? Mine is not a life of eating bonbons and swimming up to the pool bar, you know. I went to England, sanded and varnished umpteen window sills, let the dogs out (in, out, in, out…), read up on publishing, searched for a graphic designer for the book cover, processed (sometimes curled up in a fetal position on the shower floor, sometimes swinging from the chandeliers) feedback from beta readers, took time out to catch up with my geographically distant son and daughter, let the dogs in (sorry, guys – forgot you were out), shoveled snow, and completed a million other tasks of vital importance that no one, including me, will ever remember or appreciate.

That said, I know you deserve better, dear follower, dear Facebook “Statistical Prodding Department”, and dear WordPress “We’re just Trying to Help You Achieve Optimal Performance Department.” So here’s my plan: I won’t nag you about the fact you haven’t liked, or followed, or shared, or analyzed, or whatever the heck else it is you’re supposed to have done but were too busy to do, if you don’t nag, or harass, or unfriend, or unfollow me because I got busy with life. Deal?

And Mr. Zuckerberg and Mrs. ummmm…WordPress, you’ll be hearing from me about the lack of an EB. Just as soon as I’ve got time. Alright?